The 5 Reasons I’ll Love the End of the World

The apocalypse is so much better than sparkling vampires or sexy billionaires. Depressing Literature with Important Ideas or Hunger Games-knockoffs in giant mazes designed by our alien overlords; the end of the world is everywhere. And maybe I say I like stories about the apocalypse because they allow me to “confront the current social and environmental devastation with the tools of metaphor and poetry,” but that would be a lie. This is why I really love the apocalypse:

1. Because the gear is super important.

You know how all you want to do is go into some weird store and buy everything? When the end of the world comes, you totally get to do that for free and it’s not even looting because the world is ending. And, on top of that, you will actually need all that shit to survive! It will be totally legit to have a $425 Patagonia Arctic Penguin Hybrid Travel Coat-Poncho when the temperatures drop to -200 degrees in Miami. There is nothing frivolous about pocketing $400 worth of ProBiotic Organic Fish Oil Vitamin D Remedy Capsules from Whole Foods when Nuclear Winter has blocked out the sun and nothing can grow. Go ahead and take that hand-embossed solid-gold flask designed by a 10-year-old Icelandic flask-making prodigy you read about on GOOP. You might need it to barter for water when the zombie hoards have blocked access to the last cache of fresh drinking water in the Western Hemisphere.

2. Because now you can get rid of all your old t-shirts

… and your Grandma’s birthday cards and even those really expensive teacups you actually put on your wedding registry but never really liked. The life-changing-art of cleaning up has nothing on your new post-apocalyptic wardrobe. Whether you go for knee-high soft-leather boots that allow you to hunt for edible plants in total silence or you prefer a plain white dress with matching eye mask to show your dedication to Lord Gnugnu, there will be no more hunting through messy drawers and dirty laundry for your one black skirt that fits over your absurd post-pregnancy stomach. It’s just you and a backpack filled with nothing but survival gear and a gold flask filled with 100 year-old Single malt Scotch.

3. Because now you can actually smoke.

Or drink. Or take a Valium with your morning Nutrient Pill. All the time. Whenever you want. You know what doesn’t matter when the ashes of our former civilization are falling from the sky? Your cardiovascular health. No nosy Nurse Practitioner is going to ask you about how many drinks you have a week while you’re having a Pap smear because you will not be having a Pap smear. Ever again.

4. Because you will never need to return any of those emails

… that have been sitting in your inbox since September. You don’t need to listen to that voicemail from your ex-best boyfriend or even read that passive aggressive note your husband wrote you about putting away the camping gear. Everyone will be gone, and anyone who is left is not going to be “kind-of-hurt” if you don’t go to their birthday brunch at that really annoying place where you have to pay extra for jam.

5. Because when everyone is dead …

who’s to say that that one guy from college, the one whose last name you forgot so you could never find him on Facebook even when you were single, won’t end up in the makeshift radiation bunker with you? If you’re still alive, doesn’t that mean Amy Poehler and Tiny Fey might be hiding in an abandoned Neutra house in the Silverlake Hills while they wait for the cannibal gangs to head south? Won’t they need a new best friend after all their other friends burned-up when the comet struck the Palisades? When everyone else is a zombie, will your husband remember how hot he thought you were when he first saw you? When you were wearing make-up and a miniskirt, neither of which you ever wore again ever not once?

Eternal life, untold riches, flying wizards, I’d give them all a pass in exchange for one shot at saying goodbye to all that. Because when the world ends, anything can happen.